Friday, August 28, 2015

While Ellis Was In The Kitchen, My House Was Falling Down

     




Then The Soldiers Came, oil,  9" x 12" or there about. 

Ellis and I are feeling down. I guess that's why this painting from my files spoke to me.  The buildings  are a wreck  and so am I. Recovery really is going to be six, long, colorless weeks like the doc said.  I can't help thinking Ellis should have married a younger babe. Then he'd be dead by the time she suffered the ravages of a life lived carefree of consequences--instead of being in the kitchen preparing her breakfast.

(Ellis didn't like that paragraph. He wanted you to know. The fact that I wrote it, shows the guilt I am feeling for being a burden.  Voicing that, I plan to shake it off by stepping up my walks. I get short of breath easily. That has to be dealt with more aggressively than blowing the Airlife. I made a resolution; I hope it doesn't kill me).

And I painted this gestural painting one Sunday afternoon a few years ago. My reference was a Time magazine photo of war torn streets in I-forget-which-country-was-being-brutalized-by-which-country at that time.  The destruction of the houses made me cry for the folks who lived above those shops, cry for the total destruction of their homes, their lives, everything in ruins. And it goes on as refugees flee ISIS. What is the matter with us?  It's time for the World Federation to put those Klingons in their graves.

15 comments:

  1. I am so glad that aggression is coming out! As opposed to in. And I imagine Ellis is offended that you think you are a burden to him, so no more of that! You are a good way to being well, so embrace every mood for the alternative is not where you want to go. Shucks, what do I know!
    The painting is superb expressionism, a brilliant response.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One can't help being angry over feeling great one day and horrible the next, the reason being a teeny tiny tumor being spotted in a chance X-ray. Especially, when she's child-like enough to think I had Breast cancer; It's unfair I get lung cancer too. But when I am aching and sick of aching and want to be out playing with the other kids, that's how I get. I revert to childish thinking, ( the same thinking that paintings colorful watercolors). It's probably the pain killers? it's probably the medications they give you to get rid of the side effects of the pain killers. It's probably because I don't like Ellis hovering around asking how I feel and I can't say, "Fine." and he looks worried and lost. I hate all this and it makes me angry.

      Delete
  2. Have you forgotten those vows you took? I am sure your husband, does not mind taking care of you... what if the shoe was on the other foot? The funk u are in is temporary!.. You are an active woman, so I understand how being laid up is bugging the c---- out of you... 6 wks. will go by fast, believe me... As far as the negativity in the world, u forgot to mention the newscasters in Virginia... WTH is happening w/the folks in the US??? is there an epidemic in mental illness this year? You may think I'm strange, but I love the colors in your depressing painting...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never! But when I said I do to in sickness and in health I was nineteen and Ellis was twenty two. There wasn't much chance that that would be too much of an issue. Who knew we would hang in there for fifty five years? Tha draft was our first concern.

      Today is the anniversary of my second week home. Only four more weeks to go! But we are still trying to work out the Meds. Today, we are not taking anything! It's time to overlook a few discomforts and walk them off. Ellis is crazy about me and I, him. We are joined at the hip and operate like a team. I just dislike myself when I have to leave him carrying the load and I'm the reason.

      Delete
  3. I agree with Sharon on this one!! and I really like this painting.. I hope you feel a little better everyday, my friend!!! Thank God we have wonderful husbands that can help us when we need it...we're always there for them..right? These weeks will pass by quickly and then back to your second love.."painting"... By the way, Loved your previous watercolors...beautiful work! Take care!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Hilda. I am crazy about my guy. It's because I'm crazy about him that I feel badly about not being able to hold up my end of our partnership. That dissatisfaction, I imagine, is part of the healing process. The feeling forces us to get back up on our feet, for none of us wants to be left behind by the herd.

      Delete
  4. We in Europe see an endless flow of refugees on our tv screens everyday, trying to reach Europe. It is heartbreaking. Your painting is very moving in a strange way. And for Ellis, I am with the others, take care!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was moved by the Time photo--enough to paint it, which indicates I wanted to ponder the scene for a while. As I worked I could image the buildings back in tact with apartments above the shops selling everyday necessities. People, families lived in these apartments and worked in the shops. Children played in the street. Then chaos, loss, homelessness, grief. What was the fight about? I don't recall.

      Delete
  5. A couple who are close to time ... when one gets sick, reacts as one person.
    There is no boundary between those who love each other, one supports the other to the end, that it is happy or not.
    This thought gives me great strength even if I am that small and fragile,in the couple, now I'm doing everything .... Danilo has lost weight and strength, but I feel capable of resistance.

    Your painting and your thoughts are dramatic and precise ... then came the soldiers ... then someone will sit down at a table to make peace agreements and I wonder why not sit at the table to agree before so much pain and destruction of the simple people ... what is mentioned in the history books as victims of this or that event ...

    Your painting captures the feeling of loss of agitation of destruction
    War and peace coexist on the planet such as health and disease ... we were lucky when we lived healthy and in peace .... now I hope to slowly regain health and domestic peace, in my little world.
    To the great tragedies of humanity I try not contribute to worsen the situation by cultivating more peace if possible, but it is in another place that somebody decides the fate of the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. A couple become one over their years together. If one rejoices, so does the other. If one suffers so does the other. It's the fortunate few these days who are so blessed with such a relationship, but good fortune has little to do with it. Hard work and determination form such a bond. flexibility. Forgiveness. Each allowing the other to blossom. By far you are not the fragile, little person In your bond. You strike me as being the glue. I have never met Danilo, but I would bet he cherishes you dearly. I never realized how much I meant to Ellis till these past years with these health issues that popped up. He doesn't take his eyes off of me. It's both embarrassing and reassuring.

      As for War and Peace, I hear Tolstoy wrote quite a book. I may just take the time to read it over the next weeks. My favorite war painting is Liberty Leading The People.

      Delete
  6. Hi L.W! bear with me, I have to tell you a story. I am friends with a blogger who blogged about his heart surgery. He candidly told us all that if he had ever known heart surgery was so awful, he might have skipped it (knowing that that would give him very limited time). He wrote something like: "I wish I could tell you that I'm feeling better. I'm not and the surgery made me worse than I was before". Then he wrote about how he couldn't even walk a block and something like "I just sort of wish I died". (GAH)! Well, naturally, all his blogging friends tried very hard to encourage him and shore him up....I really admired his candor and I worried for him. Something like 3 months later there was a huge shift and he was himself again and went back to creating full blast. It was remarkable! He stopped blogging but I am still friends with him on Facebook and he never complains about feeling bad ever (because he is recovered)! You've been through so much and surgery takes such a toll. I know you though...you are so scrappy, you are going to rebound even faster than my heart patient friend. Maybe you don't feel quite up to painting yet, but maybe you will read a nice huge historical book like you did awhile back. It was so fun to read what you thought of that book! I think your war torn painting is great. You are the Queen of "Chaos" (you make it look good). :) Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate your story.i know it's true, but from here to there is longer than I ever expected and involves pain killers that eliminate the pain, but exasperate other maladies making recovery difficult. Coordinated pain management is gotten only if you put your face in front of the attending specialists and demand it. We did that yesterday when we went to the ER because I had cut the pain killers down in favor of solving my Gastric issues, which were making me sick. By doing that I had given myself a lot of painful grief in the thoracic area. It was horrific, but hopefully, we did work out a pain management plan that's all inclusive? I totally understand the heart patient's frustration and his morbidity. Before we went, I felt the same way.

      I have no desire to paint now. That will change with time, I know--somewhere in the next few weeks. From what everyone said yesterday at the ER, it will take a couple of months. That was very discouraging, but time will pass. I'm hanging in. from what I heard yesterday thoracic surgery is the most painful; lungs and heart are a bear. Till now, I had no idea. I bounced back quick from the three other ops I've had. This one is a real challenge.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. I intend to. Stubborn persistence is one of my pesky traits. I just have moments of weakness every now and then. This op was a trial. In big pain yesterday, I did think I should have passed on the cure. But that is not my nature. I figure you do what you have to. But I also learned there may be a point when you think, fuck it and move to Oregon. This is not that point and Oregon was never one of the places I thought we should move to in retirement--the Caribbean is more lively. :-)) I jest of course.

      Delete
  8. It takes so frustratingly long - a full recovery. It is a slow, painful, arduous process and little gains must be cherished and celebrated along the way - less shortness of breath, 5 more minutes walking, an improved appetite, better pain control and less pain in general. One step at a time and you will find yourself feeling better and stronger each day. Believe me, Linda, I know.

    ReplyDelete