Monday, July 23, 2012

Three Faces of Loss





I did a series of these faces when we were facing the loss of our business in 1986. They are dated, but I didn't bother to arrange them in order. There's a few more.

I didn't paint yesterday. I was feeling distraught about my ring. I did pray to the good Saints suggested by Rita, of Rita Vaselli Watercolors, and Konstantina, of  Konstantina Polychroniou, but so far they're still looking along with the Big Guy and no ring has magically reappeared. I'm just sick about it--not as sick as I was when the business went under and I did these Rapidograph drawings --but sick and violated even though the loss is my fault. I keep the two rings I wear whenever we go out in a little porcelain dish on my dresser, right there out in the open. It's my house, I shouldn't have to lock stuff up. When I went to wear it Friday night, it was gone and in its place was a costume jewelry ring I never wear because it's too tight. That's the clue that someone was messing with the jewelry. It could have been my grandchildren playing treasure hunt, (I did that, so did my older son and his friend). It could have been my cleaning lady. It could have been hidden and forgotten about or lost in the trash. Whatever it could have been, it's gone and I'm beating myself up over it.

It's not insured.  Ellis and I long ago decided that insuring jewelry was throwing money away. It cost to appraise it. It cost yearly premiums to carry the floater and when you do lose an insured item, you do not get anywhere near what it cost to replace it, because they depreciate the item.  Besides, this ring was irreplaceable. It was an heirloom. It belonged to, who gave it to, who gave it to a trusting, sloppy fool like me. So I'm in a state of sulk. These drawings say just how I feel , (particularly the top one, which was the last one drawn just as the business closed its doors),as I walk from room to room cleaning drawers, moving furniture, going through pant pockets and jackets and even the rag bin and washer and dryer and vacuum  bags.  It's nowhere. And the worst thing is, I don't remember the last time I wore it. I've been painting a lot. I do not paint bedecked in jewels.  One line from the song That Lovin' Feeling keeps going through my head:
It's gone, gone, gone woa, woe, woe. I think I'm heartsick. I know I'm really pissed off at myself.


34 comments:

  1. Oh Linda, I'm so sorry ... and I ignored your loss in my last comment. I really do feel for you, I lost my wedding ring in a sailing accident in Mauritius years ago. Which makes me ask: were you wearing it when you had your incident in the lake? The water makes your fingers 'shrink'.

    There's nothing one can say apart from I'm really sorry and I hope it turns up soon.

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    1. Thanks John. I must sound like a whiny bitch. I really am one of the lucky ducks on the planet and have so much to be grateful for and here I am allowing this loss, which is such an insignificant one,to obsess me.

      I don't remember if I wore it swimming or not. I think not. I have rarely worn my rings when involved in physical activities. In fact I don't remember ever wearing them. It's gone with the trash-- most likely thrown out haphazardly when cleaning out my pockets or purse of soiled tissues.

      I'll get over it. But I'll never forget it. This if the fifth piece of jewelry I've lost in my seventy one years. I can now count the pieces and tell their stories on one hand. I hope I never have to tell a sixth tale of petty woe. It tears me up. Pretty shallow huh?

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  2. I understand what you feel because you think it is the your fault .I understand what you feel because when we lose something that we value, all of our losses (emotional, economic, health-related) become an army inside us, destroying us!
    Praying the Saints just need to forget, let go to destiny, turn the page and ....restart
    Do not is the value of things ...is that when we have a certain decades within us,there are many things lost... that ONE more ....just makes us very angry!

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    1. You are a very wise woman Rita Vaselli. You hit what I'm feeling on the head. Let go and let God--or Saint Anthony--take over. I am hoping to get to that stage. But today, I have one more wall to check out in my closet. Meanwhile, my closet and drawers are looking fantastic. that's a plus; housekeeping isn't my cup of tea.

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  3. Girl, I know you are driving yourself nuts.. The fact its in your house is a good thing!. At least you didn't take it off in a public restroom and leave it on the sink ( like my mom use to do)...I have been in your predicament and I found that it will turn up when u least expect it.. You will kick yourself because it will be found in the craziest, silliest, illogical place!. Believe me... and I know u have retraced your steps... U are concentrating too hard... I bet Ellis will find it before u do!.

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    1. Yes I am.And Ellis too. So much so that he said go buy another one. Sure, then every time I look at the new one, I'll remember the one I lost. I don't know about that solution.

      Wednesday, I'm getting an endoscopy; they knock you out. It did occur to me to ask the anesthesiologist if he would ask me while I was under when I last wore my ring and where did I put it when I took it off? Crazy huh? Ellis thinks so. He figures what does that all matter; it's gone. I figure maybe it matters a lot. I'm too distraught now to think clearly, but under the influence of anesthetic maybe, I'll be relaxed enough to know?

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    2. hey, it couldn't hoit (hurt) to have the anesthesiologist ask ya... like I said, you will find it when you aren't thinking about it... I found my baby photos my mom gave to me. It was in the weirdest place!

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    3. I know. I think I'm about talked/written out. Let go and let God. But every now and then...

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    4. LOL, I will think of you when u are awake around 4 am and rethinking of.... :-)

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    5. Laughs for you. Torture for me. I finally cried this morning signifying I've come to the end of my anguish. Tears and everybody's kind comments washed way my distress.

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  4. I feel your pain! I know I'd grieve if I lost the ring my husband gave me. You are within your rights to feel sad and mad...but try not to feel too mad at yourself. It doesn't sound like carelessness to me to keep your ring on your own dresser...(and even if you did put the ring somewhere else for awhile while you painted...it was in your own living place!) It will probably take you awhile to process this...it's one of those things that my Mom used to say you must "Give over to the Universe". Meanwhile big hugs to you.
    I like these drawings/paintings. I especially like the calligraphic nature of the top one.

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    1. Well Celeste, now you have gifted me with a more upbeat perspective. Ellis didn't give me that ring. I found it way back in the desk drawer of my FIL's desk after he passed away. It and another one were mixed in with sawdust and pencil shavings and hair. Ellis hadn't found it, nor had his brother. I figured the rings had belonged to Sylvia, my FIL's sister who had passed years before. I found them and took them the day before the auction house showed up to have the estate sale. The rings were a bonus, a gift from Sylvia. After sixteen years of wearing it, I could chalk my loss up to Sylvia coming back and reclaiming what was hers. A little twisted humor might be just the right tonic:))

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  5. Oh Linda... I'm really sorry. But don't be so hard on yourself, it's not as if you left the ring on the open and didn't care about it. The whole point about the Saints is to assigne them the searching responsibility and you just relax. Don't dry yourself out of emotions, you'll be needing some when the ring appears again. I'm confident this ordeal will have a happy ending.

    I love the drawings, especially the second one!!! I have been staring at it for quite a time and think I'll be coming back to stare some more, if you don't mind :-)
    A hug.

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    1. Thanks Konstantina. I'm lightening up now that I told the whole world how small I am. Writing out ones woes is very therapeutic. I think relaxing is the only thing I can do. I've really turned this house upside down.

      Thank you. The ten drawings I did when all hell was breaking loose in our lives are special to me. They helped me through the ordeal. And I think they are the best drawings I've ever done. They came from deep within. I especially like the clock in drawing number two. Ticktock. Ticktock. Time was running out and life was going to change radically. I really should frame these and hang them on the stairs. I don't think Ellis would appreciate them though. He really blamed himself and still does for that horrible time in our lives. --But, as you can see, we did make a comeback enough where I can bitch about losing a piece of jewelry. It's the worse problem thing. Back then, my worst problem was losing a livelihood. Now, it's just a keepsake ring.

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    2. That’s the spirit! Relax and you’ll see, it will come out unexpectedly-maybe where you organized your stilettos, that you were so happy about it. Writing and sharing is always therapeutic! But, if I may I want to strongly object about the ‘small’ word!
      The best drawing is the one that haven’t yet made… I can really understand a period like that, I already experienced a ‘down fall’ or to be precise two down falls. One of my own and one of my family's and I’m 34-alright, 35 in few weeks, but who’s counting. They say money isn’t everything, but honestly at the world we leave in they can provide security and a state of decency. Yet, life is a great teacher and no one goes through it without a few lessons.
      Looking forward for your next post. Cheers.

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    3. Ups and downs is life. Economic security is everybody's personal concern for that's how the world turns. When I was young (35), money wasn't important. My parents raised me to feel secure. Since then I've learned I was over indulged and misled. It's a f%@& jungle out here! That's why my pith helmet is my most favorite year round hat. If the economy falls on my head again, at least my head will be protected:)) I now think money is everything. It's what makes the world turn. Right now, it's squeaking on its axis:))

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  6. linda, I am sorry to hear you haven't found your ring. You've had a lot of people in your house lately - have you called them to see if anyone saw it?

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    1. Me too and thank you. Aye there's the sticky wicket. I did tell Jon about my loss and asked him to ask the children if they played treasure with nana's jewelry. I tried on my mom's when I was a girl,at her dresser and I always put it back in the exact spot it was in. My eldest played pirates and treasure when he was ten or so and that's when I lost the sapphire heart that Ellis gave me for my birthday when we became a serious couple. Never found it. Jon was not offended that I was accusing his kids of being kids and said he would ask them.

      Then we come to my cleaning lady. How does one ask a woman who has been so reliable and pleasant and conscientious about a ring that disappeared and another ring, never worn, is in now in its place? You know she's going to think I think she stole it. That's offensive. That's also me being naive. People do steal. Happened to my mom. Happened to my mother in-law. That's the dither I'm in. And that makes me sad too. I thought I'd just ask her to help me look for it. I do want her to know what happened, but I don't want to insult her either. Very sticky wicket. I have time to think about that; she doesn't come for another week.

      Replying to all of these comments has been good for me. I let out a lot of angst without having to pick up my Rapidograph pens, WHICH ELLIS HAS MISPLACED WHEN HE CLEANED UP MY OFFICE TO MAKE READY FOR THE KIDS' VISIT! I'll be off to look for them now.

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  7. Before I took up painting I only worked in black and white. I love these painting a lot. They got so much energy and might inspire me to give it a try again. Thanks for showing these. =)

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    1. I'm glad you like these Roger. These are my most favorite of anything I've ever done. They are full of imagination and originality. I haven't done anything quite like them since. It seems I need to have my back up against a wall to produce unique.

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  8. The power of these drawings is incredible! I really am blown away by them.

    I'm sorry about the loss of your ring. When I was in college, my roommate's boyfriend stole my high school graduation ring. It wasn't expensive- but it meant so much to me. My parents bought it for me even though money was tight and I loved it. I left it in a bowl by my mirror and when I returned to my room, it was gone. I knew who took it, but couldn't accuse him. I was terrified of him. It was another era, another time. I still mourn the loss of that ring.

    I hope yours turns up. It has a history of being lost and found. Perhaps you will find it again.

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    1. Perhaps Pamo; perhaps not. I'm sorry about your high school ring; I regard mine as a treasure too. All my stuff has some sort of story, personal history attached to it. Oddly enough, I'm not a jewelry person. My right hand, my drawing hand, I keep bare. I wear a watch on my left wrist. That's it. If we go out with fancy folk, that's when I wear a couple of rings and if it's really a festive occasion, I'll wear a bracelet. We don't go to many affairs that I consider festive enough to weigh down my right wrist with baubles.

      I hope you're right. I would be thrilled if it suddenly showed up. Until then, I have to let go of this what? Violation? Self blame. Anger. All the crap that weighs you down.

      Thanks about the drawings. They are special to me. I keep them under lock and key, but not my jewelry. Maybe that's why I pulled them out?

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  9. Interesting works, the second is my favourite, a thoughtful spirited piece. My lost wedding ring reappeared after two years. Came off my finger as I searched around in a box of files. You don't need my tale on top of all the rest. I hope it turns up.

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    1. Thanks Mick. I haven't gone through any file boxes. I wish I had. I'd have one more place to look. Tales of loss are abundant that's for sure. Gail Sheehy said life is a series of losses. I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about jewelry. I'd like my strong, atheletic left
      leg back. My parents and Ellis'parents. My brother. His brother. I don't care about my breasts; they were never great in the first place. In a breast conscious society, being flat chested is unique. I like being unique.

      I like #2 too. Especially, the clock. Maybe tomorrow I'll show you the rest? Those pictures came out blurry. I was looking for my Rapidograph pens to sign the ones I hadn't signed and couldn't find them. Ellis had cleaned up my design room and put them somewhere he couldn't remember! I found them this afternoon. He laid them down in the back of a drawer. That means I have to send them through the vibrating cleaning machine for a day or three. Can't let a layman into your studio to do anything:))

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  10. These are three wonderful works. Here's hoping the ring appears.

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    1. Thanks Hallie. I'm afraid it's gone with the wind, the end of my tenure. I cried with this realization this morning, and I hope that's that. I have to go shopping.

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  11. Dear Linda, I hope, at least today, a good day! Yesterday thinking about the word loss, got out so many things that I focused in my reply, forgetting to tell you what you've done the drawings are impressive sight to give the sense of breaking, loss and reaction to these.
    They are really jewels, paid with the price of life!

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    1. I just told Hallie that I finally cried this morning. With me, tears are a release. They wash my sinuses, my head, my mind. They signify the end.

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  12. I am so sorry about your ring, Linda! We turn to St. Anthony also, and I feel he always helps. There is lots of emotion in your paintings. Rita has a much more poetic way of saying things, but jewels they are!

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    1. I have placed the ring in St. Anthony's care. Thank you. I hope you're right.

      When those drawings were made, the times were very emotional. Art served me well. It kept my feet on the ground. I've always felt very fortunate to have the ability to express myself in a language more powerful than the written word.

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  13. These are wonderful, really powerful and painful. I wouldn't want to have them hanging in my house. Museum better location.

    I am sorry for your loss. I know you will figure out a good way to deal with it and with the cleaner.

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    1. That's why I've never hung them. They would always be a reminder.

      I ran an experiment this morning. I loaded my two small jewelry cases the way they were the last weeks and picked up the top one, which was the other place I often put this ring to keep it safer than in the dish. I picked it up with the lid. The stuff fell out and scattered all over the vanity. Cleaning the vanity that might have been what happened? And the ring might have fallen into the waste basket below, which means it's in a landfill in a plastic bag within a plastic bag somewhere and I'll never see it again. This experiment made me burst into tears with defeat. Ellis felt so badly, he hugged me. But I don't think the kids played with it; they would have played with more of the stuff. I don't think my lovely cleaning lady took it; she's had better opportunities and never took anything at all. I think it was an accident and what she did do wrong was not to call me and have me put the jewelry back the way it went. Instead she did it and didn't guess right with regards to what went in the little dish. She also had no idea what was missing. That's why that strange ring was in the dish and also another one I hardly wear that resembles the ones that's gone. Heavy sigh. I've got to ask her when she comes this Friday. I have between now and then to come up with some tact. Not my strong suit:))

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  14. For some reason, I can't get my eyes off that second piece. I really like it, Linda!!! and of course, I SO hope you find your ring. I really feel you will at some point. I could understand your anguish!!

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    1. I was reading the dates. That was one of the final ones. I like it too. I have not a clue as to how I got that chicken wire effect. I couldn't have use chicken wire to imprint it; it would have been a mess. I must have drawn those little hexagons over and over again? thanks for your return visit.

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